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On Minions and Henchmen

Minions, Henchmen… where would we be without them? What would we be?

Well, to be honest, sometimes a lot of us would not only be happier, we would also have time to relax. Minions and Henchmen can be extremely unnerving. They mess up, they stand in the way, they just don’t understand.

Still, everyone needs some hard working Minions from time to time. While every Villain should know that the essence of doing and creating dark things should be your own hard work, some projects are impossible to finish without helping hands and minds.

Now, in order to assure a wonderfully dark life with your Minion/Henchman/Henchwoman/etc, there are a few steps everyone should follow.

These are not rules, they are simply some suggestions.

In order to ensure your Minions are doing what you expect them to do, you have to follow the RRDP

What is the RRDP?

The RRPD is a reminder of the key words dealing with the proper treatment of your minions, it stands for:

  • Recruiting
  • Rewarding
  • Disciplining
  • Punishing

When you have minions or are in need of them, you will inevitably come across those points, unless you want them to ruin and frolick around in your labs and chambers.

  • Recruiting

Obviously. Recruiting your minions is essential. 

Every villain has their own way of recruiting their help. Some of them summon the dark forces, the tiny beasts from the underworld. Some build their minions, out of the limbs of the dead or metal and wires doesn’t matter. Some work together with ghosts, monsters from the deep, clones or other “unearthly” creatures.

But most of us believe that human minions are not the worst choice. They can work long, they can be very ambitious, they are easy to intimidate and you don’t need dark magic to keep them from murdering you in your sleep, just a perfect combination out of good payment and terror.

Also, they are easily replacable.

Now on recruiting human beings, it is usually the best to place ads in papers or the web. I am not kidding. A lot of simple eathlings are actually just sitting there, waiting for the opportunity to work for one of us. The criminal masterminds, the mad scientists, the dark magicians, the ones from another world, human beings are fascinated with villains and some of them tend to even adore us. Also, every human is born with a hunger for power, control and money - all parts of life we can offer them. It also doesn’t hurt to show them how easily you can oliberate them if they don’t bow to your every wish. But more on that later.

Recruiting your minions is an easy step, usually it doesn’t cost much, unless you offer your soul in exchange for a very powerful creature. In that case it is a very high cost, in my humble opinion.

  • Rewarding
Much like pets, you should show your little minions when they did good and satisfied your expectations. Depending on the minion itself, offering them better food, free time, nice quarters, more money or scientific improvement of their bodies, usually works. It is completely fine to think up new ways of rewarding them, but remember that they are usually a type of creature too low to meet your high thinking about amusement and pleasure.

Rewarding your minions will keep them happy and working hard. Remember that voluntary minions are usually more creative and really put their soul into their work - obviously only if they have one.

  • Disciplining
This chapter is as enjoyable as annoying. Sometimes the minions don’t understand what you want or - even worse - they deliberately do something else.
In order to keep them in line, I can offer several ideas. You can threaten to take away something if they don’t work hard enough. Whatever you take away, their free time, their extra food rations, their essential food rations or their life, it will remind your minions how good they have it working for you - and sometimes it will remind them that they don’t have any choice in this. Any way, discipline is absolutely important when it comes to your minions. If they bite the hand that feeds them, cut off their hands. But remember to leave their legs intact. Like that, they can still carry supplies on their backs.
Just like rewards, disciplining actions need some imagination. What is it that your minion likes the most about it’s life/afterlife? Threaten to take it away when they don’t obey you and everything will be fine.
And if that doesn’t work, there is always mind control.
  • Punishing
I remember a minion I had some years ago, who decided to test a very flammable liquid I had worked on for a while on his barbeque set. I didn’t have to punish him, punishing a pile of ash seemed nonsensical.

If your minions don’t listen to your disciplinatory actions and seem to be unfazed by the loss of limbs, it is a good time to punish them and get rid of them. This action also adds to the discipline of your other minions.

Killing a minion is not only neccessary from time to time, it can be very enjoyable. Throwing a badly behaving or slow minion in a big bucket of acid can have the same effect on you like taking over a whole town. Pained screams are the music I work to and I work amazingly well with music.

But, after all, I’m a gentleman. I follow a three-strikes-and-you’re-dead rule for my minions. Obviously, you can make up your own rules.

Or just kill them all when you are in a bad mood. It is really therapeutic.

There is a last point I haven’t touched upon before.

  • "Fun"

Even if you aren’t very social, most of the time your minions are the only souls (or soul-less souls) depending on how long your plans need to be executed, you have them around for days, weeks, even years. 

So don’t forget to have a little fun with them from time to time. You can have them throw a party after a big part of your project is done, see it as a ceremony of being almost done. 

Some minions are also capable to dance, sing or perform for you. Once or twice I had enjoyable moments watching my henchmen perform some Shakespeare, they were rather good, considering that their voices came from sound boxes because I strangled them during the rehearsal. (Whoopsie).

If you are hard to entertain, try chasing them around in a lab situation. Think of them as big lab rats or guinea pigs. Watching a minion run into a wall or bite into a piece of cake that is linked to a very strong electrical power supply will make you chuckle, I promise, even if you are the darkest Lord alive.

Those are my personal views and tips on your Minions. Think about the RRDP(F) and build your emporium of darkness.

I wish you the best of luck


- The Procrastinator

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